Date: 2007-11-19 21:08 Subject: the full circle. Security: Public

antithesis (an-tith-a-sis) n.
the opposite


begin end. enemy friend. heaven hell. sick well. truth lies. husbands wives. whisper shout. in out. laughter cry. ask reply. good bad. happy sad. right wrong. outcast belong. caged free. you and me. you have the answer to all of these.

Date: 2007-11-19 21:00 Subject: how ludicrous Security: Public Location: on top of my down comforter Music: blue october and imogen heap-congratulations

These talk-oholics; these listen-ophobics


i feel like im naked in front of a crowd, cause these words are my diary screaming out loud and i know that you'll use them however you want to.

Its funny how in the end we pick and choose what we want to believe
and what we want to hear. leading us into lives of quite desperation and dis-illusionment which all lead to lies.

phonies, all these god-damn phonies.

Date: 2007-10-28 22:15 Subject: north beach glamour Security: Public Location: my room Music: glamourous by fergie

nothing is better than a late-night out in san francisco.
the clubs start hoppin, the people start dressing up and the restaurants switch into bars open till' 2 am.
it was claire's birthday and we decided to try something new and different for a celebration.
splitting the costs of everything; this is a short synopsis of the g.l.a.m.o.r.o.u.s. night.
dressed up in heels, short dresses, with curled hair.
drove to the bart station; claimed we were just like sex and the city minus the martinis.
claire-charlotte. anjelica=samantha. tashi=miranda. emily=carrie.
got dropped off at Powell station.
Walked through the the happening shopping district, waiting for the turn-around trolleys.
anjelica, and tashi had never been on one.
i thought it was time for a change.
we hung off the rails while a scottish-man and a english-gentleman hung onto our coats.
we got photographed on the trolley by tourists, and by curious observers.
got to find that documentation.
walked 3 blocks. almost got lost in china town. only a map-quest paper in our hands.
ended up the north beach italian district looking at all of the busy-bodys, every-bodys, and no-bodys conversating over red wine and thin-crust pizza.
onlookers were curious at our attire but not critical.
everyone else was wearing a myriad of risque snow white costumes, elvis attire and scant fishnet stockings with drawn on eyebrows.
we ate dinner at citizen kane and the monkey;rated top 100 in town.
ate, ate,ate, drank, ate, ate, ate.
emptied out claire's curry pumpkin out of the actual pumpkin. she wanted to keep it. we named it murphy. the pumpkin. not the curry. she didnt want the curry. decided that although we liked murphy we did not want it to be gender-selective.
gave the curry to a homeless man; no post-it found to tape a little note.
several attempts to catch a taxi. no attempts catch the bus. no attempts to "ride back home" with anyone.
picked up food from advertising scilian women, tried to con her into giving out free wine out on her tray instead of bread covered in oiled vegetables. "not likely."
"tashi, do whatever you have to do!" "Catch that one, no THAT one" "I don't care if you run out onto the street, prostrate yourself in front of that cab."
funny cab driver caused near heart-attacks for all 4 of us.
went to the metreon, saw the nightmare before christmas in 3D.
slightly disappointing.
nearing 11:30/12ish.
sat in massage chairs and took out all the money left. paid for a 1 minute massage. orgasmic experience. ha. just kidding. but not really.
attempted suicide by pulling a "little miss sunshine" and jumping into my mothers car while she was still moving. "I don't want to stop, it's too busy!."
came back home; watched Cruel Intentions.
Fell asleep by 2.
Woke up to a 5 am, a 6am and a 7am alarm clock.
slept past our actual set alarm.
watched Under the Tuscan sun in the morning.
ate toast until 2.
everyone left.


oh, the glamourous, poppin champagne, in the fast lane. oh, the flossy, flossy.

Date: 2007-10-28 22:09 Subject: a combination of love and aggression Security: Public Location: my room Music: paint the silence by south

al co hol ic [al-kuh-haw-lik] adjective.
1. a person addicted to intoxicating drinks.



a believer to be a non-alcoholic. what is the difference of drinking to have fun and just drinking to drink? its all the same when everything goes around, and the liquid hits. you pick up the bottle, shaky at first but assured. maybe the most assuring feeling you have felt, as well as the most descisive.you; pegged as the most undescisive of them all; not knowing where to go, and when the deciding is done, its always the wrong one.
lets toss back a few and forget, the lost generation of our time. the moment the icey cool slides down the back of your throat, burning as it travels through. pressuring all of the words to travel back down to no mans land and all of your thoughts back to where you cant reach them. but you never wanted them to reach the surface where anyone would be able to hold out there hands and catch all of your wasted hours and problems. what a burden that would have been.
a shot of lightness and suddenly you feel elevated. why dont you stay another second? i only need someone to hold on to, to know that your there with me and i dont have to drown and down the bottle alone. you dont have to drink with me if you dont want to. i promise.
now the violence seeps inside, the violence just for a peace of mind.
sentences break, grammar drops, and so does your little girl.
shot one, shot two, shot three. i promise you dont have to.
I always did better by myself. i promise.
"is everything al-right?" "of course it is, because that is how it has to be."
"you never smile anymore emily. are you that empty? don't you feel?"
shot four, it rushes through, running through your blood streams. the blue veins; the most noticeable started to fade and the color came
into cheeks. throwing mind and head back, and look.
Look everybody, im smiling. a true. one. but will you notice in the end? its all about surfaces, it always has been about surfaces.
you see, its not that im an alcoholic. feelings, what else could it be. you feel. through your whole body, to the place where the viens meet.
is it so wrong, to reach out to feel?
I just want one hour. maybe two.
Descision concensis, right? this little girl already made it.
her mind to tired to make desicions sent messages through the body towards your hand to finish. they are the things that can grasp.
wrong again, just stick to indescision maybe. ill go farther.
so come closer. so my one hand can grasp the bottle and the other can entangle with your fingers. and i can begin to feel.

if this is what can alcholic is. having an addiction to feel? ....well then.
i think i picked the right choice after all.